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©Holly Stiel 2001
When I was eighteen years old my father said to me, “You
know, Holly, I never worry about you because I don’t think
anyone will ever take better care of you than you!” How
prophetic that statement was as I have spent the past 27 years
becoming an expert in the art of self-care!
I was just twenty-four years young when a series of emotional
traumas in quick succession left me feeling lost, alone, and
frightened. A friend took me to hear a very powerful speaker
named Raymond Charles Barker. I remember him asking, “Do
any of you think your life is a movie?” I could relate,
although my life was more like a soap opera than a movie. I
sat up attentively.
The next thing I heard changed my life. “When are you going
to get it, you’re the projector, not the screen!”
he declared. Wow! Before that moment I hadn’t realized
I had choices. Life was what happened to you. That was the beginning
of my journey. Although willing, there’s been a fair share
of kicking and screaming down the path of transformation.
My natural appetite for self-care was nourished by my need to
preserve my health and sanity in a very stressful job that I
loved despite the pressure. I spent 17 years as a hotel concierge
helping 300 people a day. That meant sometimes being on two
phones, with more people standing in front of me (not always
patiently) waiting for answers. I knew if I didn’t take
some time to re-energize, I would burn out before my fortieth
birthday.
How are you replenishing yourself? What are you doing to take
care of you? It’s a scientific law that if you continually
draw water from a well without replenishing it, eventually it
will run dry. The airlines have it right when they say, “Secure
your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others.”
It is difficult, perhaps impossible, to separate self-care from
self-love. No technique of self care works unless the underlying
tenet is self-love and nurturing.
It is important to understand what self-care is and is not.
It seems like a paradox, but self-care is not about being a
narcissist. Taking care of oneself is how we can contribute
more love, to others. Self-care happens in relationships as
well as in solitude. It is about being kind and tender with
ourselves. It is a lifelong commitment and it is always in process.
It is not about being selfish, feeling guilty, or extreme discipline.
It is not about money or expensive treatments (while those are
nice, they are optional).
Your own personal degree of self-love will have a direct effect
on your ability to self-nurture. The odd thing is self-love
doesn’t come all that naturally. It is in a constant battle
with your inner voice, wanting to sabotage you. The human mind
is amazing! Over the years I have learned to love myself --
flaws, cellulite, the entire package. I’m much happier
now.
I began the process by noticing the ways I sabotaged myself.
Some classics included critical self-talk designed to make me
doubt myself by negating compliments, comparing myself to others,
saying yes when I really wanted to say no, not following through
on the promises I made to myself, and staying in toxic relationships.
It takes a conscious effort to shift your own inner conversation
to one of kindness and to set the kind of boundaries needed
to allow only the people and thoughts that serve you to be in
your life.
One of the typical ways to sabotage your self-care is by not
allowing yourself to play. In some cultures, people who don’t
rest are considered odd. In our culture, we seem to be in the
midst of a time famine and everyone is in a permanent state
of frenzy. A terrific way to break this cycle is to remember
what you did as a child to play. Ask yourself that very question,
“What did I do as a child to play?” When I answered
that question, something was rekindled that changed my life
and was highly nurturing. My answers including ice skating,
riding a bike and swimming. As I lived in San Francisco, riding
a bike up and down hills didn’t seem much fun. There were
no skating rinks nearby so I tried swimming. I remembered how
much I had enjoyed it as a child, and it turned out I enjoyed
it very much as an adult.
Is there something in your life that you did as child that you
could do as an adult? If there is, make an appointment with
yourself to do it, and, no matter what, don’t break the
appointment. It is important to schedule your self-care.
I have found a self-care technique that is a great way to give
stress a rest. You can even look at it as a daily vacation,
a journey to a quiet and peaceful place.
Take a Daily Vacation - A journey to a quiet and peaceful
place
Meditation can be a daunting concept. Does the thought fill
you with visions of yogis leading a life of solitude in a mountain
retreat? It did me. I’m so glad I didn’t let my preconceptions
prevent me from exploring this powerful, simple, and enormously
effective practice. Regular meditation time is actually a blessing
and the best thing busy people can do to create sanity and peace
in a frantic world. Interestingly, the root word for mediation
is the same as the root word for medicine.
I would never say that meditation is an easy thing to do. Simple,
yes. Easy, no. As a matter of fact, clearing the mind is one
of the most difficult practices to master in life. Don’t
worry, however; there is good news. You don’t have to master
it. That is why it is called a practice. One day I hope to write
an article about the wonders of having a clear mind (the ultimate
goal of meditation). That day has not yet arrived.
Today, I can share with you the wonders of engaging in a daily
practice of mindful meditation. My mind is still full, but highly
focused. The benefits have been enormous, as I continue to develop
my inner life - a calm and friendly relationship with myself
that I never had before I began this practice. It is the way
I begin my day, and the benefits manifest throughout the day,
especially if I close my eyes, take a deep breath (the access
point is through the breath) and go back to those quiet and
precious moments just after rising.
I had heard about the benefits of meditation for years, read
books, and tried it several times, always failing miserably,
fidgeting, thinking of everything under the sun – my busy
mind was on full throttle. I tried meditation retreats, classes,
and audiotapes and I just didn’t get “it.” I
was thrilled when I learned about walking meditation. At least
I could do something, and occasionally I would be mindful and
pay complete attention to my breath, my steps, and my surroundings.
I was not, however, consistent.
I think one of the most interesting things about learning, especially
where personal growth is concerned, is that even though we know
the information and want to act on it, our behavior doesn’t
reflect the changes we say we want. Then one day we hear the
information again, maybe in a new way, perhaps from a new person.
Maybe we are finally ready to hear it. Maybe it’s the theory
at work, that when the student is ready the teacher appears.
Whatever the reason, a yoga teacher at the Spa at Lake Austin
not only gave me some tools, but the context that turned the
knowledge into action. Thank you, Tanya; I am forever grateful
to you for helping to guide me on this path of self-love, relaxation,
and serenity. I am delighted to share what I learned and what
I now practice daily in the hopes that I may be a teacher for
you, the readers. Please know that you can use all of these
ideas, or take just one or two and create your own morning mindfulness.
I do not claim to be all knowing. Quite the contrary. . . I
only claim to know enough that I am compelled to share it. As
a matter of fact, the more I learn, the less I know, and this
inspires me to keep learning.
The Context
Why
did Tanya’s meditation class “click” when all
others had failed? I believe it was the context she put it in,
giving me a reason to meditate beyond the promise of feeling
better. I felt fine without it or so I thought. Tanya used a
metaphor of the painting, “The Three Graces,” to explain
the context of meditation. The painting is of three women, one
with her back to the viewer, one in a half turn, and one facing
fully front. The first woman represented youth, moving forward
with abandon. The second represented mid-life, having felt life’s
turning points and being sidelined by its sorrows. The third
represented the fullness of life, moving forward into old age
and finally crossing over. It was in this fullness of life that
she explained the yearning to know oneself fully, and to shed
the trappings of the material world as the markers of success.
If joy and self-esteem has been based on job status, good looks,
and accomplishments, this third phase of life presented a pretty
bleak picture. The antidote was to develop a deep and secure
inner life, so the reactions and responses of the outside world
matter less and less.
No more cat calls from construction workers? Who cares? I am
at peace and have a great relationship with myself. This is
especially important for women who, “at a certain age,”
begin to feel invisible in our culture. Hearing this information
at 51, with the reality of “the change” ever present,
hot flash to hot flash, I was inspired to spring into action.
I no longer thought I should meditate. I chose to meditate,
I wanted to. I couldn’t wait to begin this personal romance.
I kept thinking of Oscar Wilde saying “Love yourself and
you’ll have a relationship that will last forever.”
The Practice
The
timing -- first thing in the morning
All my other attempts had failed because I didn’t meditate
as my very first activity. Once I started my day, I simply couldn’t
stop. Now I sit first thing and start my day with peace and
not a hustle-bustle. There is no shortage of hustle-bustle in
daily life. However, there is a shortage of peace, groundedness,
and calm. I would be experiencing busyness soon enough. Now
was my time for bliss. Once I learned how to relax, it was amazing
to be able to access that same peace and calm within myself
any time during the day that I chose.
Develop the circuitry through daily practice and its yours anytime.
The other obvious benefit to meditating first thing in the morning
is that you are already in a relaxed state. Make sure you are
sitting comfortably in a chair or on meditation pillows on the
floor. Don’t lie down or the possibility exists that you
will fall back to sleep. You need to be awake to meditate.
Light
a candle
This
simple act is symbolic of being in the light. It signals the
beginning of your special time with yourself. I like to use
aromatherapy candles or an infuser which has a place for a candle
underneath and water infused with aroma oils on top. The aroma
oils will help you to focus, as breathing in the scent of lavender
or other scents that have calming properties add to the enjoyment
of your personal retreat from the busyness of life on earth.
Begin
morning mindfulness
An
easy way to begin is to hold both hands in the air in front
of you, elbows bent, palms facing out. Recite the following
mantra ten times. Each time you recite it, put your thought
into a different finger. This will keep you focused. Start with
the pinkie finger and say, “I am open to you, God, come
sit in my heart.” Next, put your attention on the ring
finger and say, “I am open to you, God, come sit in my
heart.” Continue until you have repeated it ten times,
once for each finger. At this point, you will feel relaxed and
ready to drop your hands in your lap and spend a few minutes
or moments just listening to your breath.
Listen to your breath; be aware of your breath. Try to breathe
fully. Stomach extended as you inhale, contracted on the exhale.
You can say a mantra or concentrate on a word. I use the word
“love,” for that is what I wish to give and to receive.
Begin a mindful prayer. It is a Buddhist practice and a beautiful
way to fuel yourself for being in the world. It is done six
times, six rounds of the same prayer said for different people
and for different reasons. The first round is for yourself,
the second your significant other or close loved one, the third
for a friend, the fourth for an acquaintance, the fifth for
an enemy, and the sixth for the universe.
Imagine yourself in your mind’s eye and silently say, “May
I be filled with peace and calm. May I bloom and may I blossom.
May I move forward without fear. May I heal in loving.”
Imagine your loved one or significant other in your mind’s
eye and repeat the four verses of the prayer. This time, substitute
their name for yours.
Imagine a friend in your mind’s eye, and repeat the prayer
using that person’s name. Try to think of different friends
every day. I am so happy to send friends a prayer it makes me
smile.
Imagine an acquaintance in your mind’s eye (bank teller,
grocery clerk, waiter, etc.) This is my favorite part as it
makes me feel the oneness of all of us instead of the separateness
that our culture breeds. I actually look forward to finding
the person I’ll send a prayer to the next morning. I look
for them as I run errands or travel.
Imagine an enemy in your mind’s eye (sometimes I imagine
anyone I have ever hurt or who wishes to hurt me). This is the
most difficult part of the prayer as I sometimes don’t
want to wish that my enemies will bloom and blossom. I do it
anyway. It helps me to add the thought, “May they bloom
and blossom so that they no longer have the need to hurt others.”
Say the prayer for the universe. At this point, you may choose
to stop, do a few grounding breaths and begin your day.
If you find your mind wandering, imagine you are sitting in
the middle of a river. Let the thought flow down the river past
you and let it float away from you down the river (back to your
mindful time). Once you accept that you cannot meditate (clear
your mind), it can begin to work because the quiet time is a
place that you don’t have to be success-oriented.
If you choose to continue, you can take the opportunity of this
quiet and reflective time to send a healing prayer to the people
you know who are ill and wish them love. I then start the process
of opening my seven major energy centers or chakras, taken from
ancient Indian wisdom. I take deep grounding breaths, in through
the nose and out through the mouth. Remember it is through the
breath that we access the light. With every inhale, I visualize
a spark of color at the energy center I am focusing on, and
with the exhale I begin to spin that spark of color clockwise,
placing the thought or “energy” I wish to hold for
that center. Imagine, each one as a lotus flower; the first
chakra has the least amount of petals, the seventh has the most.
First chakra is the base of the spine. The color is red and
the thought is, “I am safe.”
Second chakra is just below the navel -- the color is orange
and the thought is, “I am joyous and experience pleasure.”
The third chakra is the solar plexus, the color is yellow, and
the thought is, “I embrace my power.”
The fourth chakra is the heart, the color is green, and the
thought is, “My heart is open to the fullness of life.”
The fifth chakra is the throat, the color is light blue, and
the thought is, “I speak my word; I express myself fully.”
The sixth chakra is the third eye, the color is deep indigo,
and the thought is, “I am present to this moment. I stay
present to each moment knowing the universe wants only the best
for me.”
The seventh chakra is at the crown of the head. The color is
lavendar, and the thought is “I am grateful and open to
the assistance of the higher worlds.” At this time I welcome
my angels, spirit guides, and friends and have been known to
dialogue with them, thanking them for their guidance, friendship,
and support.”
I take two deep breaths, imagining my rainbow of energy from
the top of my head down to my first chakra, then from my first
up to my seventh. I visualize for a moment my hopes and dreams
for that day and my bigger- picture dreams of the future. I
am then ready to do some grounding breaths. Feeling fully grounded,
blessed and protected, I am tempted to stay in this state, but
I know I must come out so I slowly open my eyes, blow out the
candle and go about my daily activities. I am happy to wake
up 30 minutes earlier to partake in this beautiful inner journey
that honors the blessings in my life, including myself.
Ideas That Take Less Than 20 Minutes
To
Expand Our Definition Of Wealth and Create Balance
If you are so pressed for time that you couldn’t possibly
take 20 minutes for yourself, here are ideas that take less
than 20 minutes, and ideas that take no more than 2 minutes.
•Be in nature. Walk without purpose, noticing how everything
is connected.
• Stop in awe and admire the natural beauty that surrounds
us. Say thank you.
• Read something inspiring daily.
• Pick one word to contemplate each week. Whenever you
feel rushed or stressed, bring yourself back to that word, i.e.
grace, light, harmony, calm.
• Go to a park and just sit.
• Try a walking meditation for 10-20 minutes. Do not speak;
just notice the air, your breath, the feel of the ground beneath
your feet. Notice your pace, posture, surroundings. Walk with
consciousness and quiet the mind.
• Arrange flowers in a vase. Make fresh flowers a priority
in your life. Buy them for yourself every week.
• Create a sacred space on a mantle or dresser, and place
things there that remind you to honor what is truly important.
• Go to a farmers’ market and stroll down the aisles.
Slow your pace.
• Take a luxurious bath in aroma oils. Nothing soothes
like hot water.
• One day a week start the morning with journaling, just
free writing about whatever comes to your mind.
• Eat a meal in silence.
Ideas That Take 2 Minutes Or Less
Finding The Sacred In The Midst Of The Insane
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Make a memory.
• Light a candle.
• Say a blessing before a meal.
• Say a blessing for a friend, family member, or loved
one.
• May you be wise.
• May you feel love.
• May you be happy.
• Spread joy and make a conscious effort to say something
kind. Ask yourself, “Does my behavior merit another day?”
• When you chop, chop, bring your awareness to the task
at hand.
• Start the day with the words, “ I love you.”
• Take three joy breaths.
• Release something you have when you purchase something
new. Too much clutter and too many possessions are stressful
and possess you.
• Choose one spot that reminds you of these ideas, like
a door handle. Every time you touch it, you remember.
• Take a deep breath.
• Stretch while waiting in line.
• Flick off negative energy.
What’s
Your Excuse?
There
are always a million reasons to keep going and never enough
reasons to stop and rest. Yet, it’s no secret that some
of the best ideas and greatest discoveries in human history
have been incubated while the mind is on sabbatical.
Sir Isaac Newton discovered the law of gravity while sitting
under a tree.
Benjamin Franklin invented the lightning rod while flying a
kite. Albert Einstein pondered the riddle of the universe while
a cat purred contentedly in his lap.
When we take time to rejuvenate, we are more creative and productive.
So, don’t do something . . . sit there.
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